Thursday, May 11, 2006

Joe Biden is a Loser

I found Joe Biden's Democratic fundraising letter sliming up my Hotmail inbox, and it's a perfect example of how these Vichy Democrats can still screw it up for us in November. Biden embraces the premise that the war on terror is a fight between those who hate "freedom" and those who don't. Biden gave the RNC enough ammunition for a half-dozen attack ads in tight races.

While rummaging around the dumpsters behind the White House I found this marked-up version of the letter with Karl Rove's notes on it (in italics):

Dear Democrat,

The problem is that George Bush doesn't have a plan for keeping us safe. Instead, his administration has offered nothing more than stubborn ideology, rank incompetence, and outright failure.

[Note: incompetence? These liberals say they know invading Iraq was the right thing to do but they would have done it better - armchair quarterbacking! - let them try it. ANY war could have been done BETTER. The point is we had the guts and they wouldn't have...K.R., writing from my new job in the pantry.]

I still believe the single most important thing we can do in government is to keep our citizens safe. Tough talk isn't enough. It takes bold leadership and careful stewardship, but the American people are thirsting for something more than Republicans in Washington can deliver. It's up to Democrats like you and me to get our country back on track.

[note: He's sounding like George, fer Chrissakes! Most important thing is to keep us safe. Yea! They still haven't caught onto the Oath of Office which says the most important thing is to uphold and defend the Constitution. Someone send Joe box tickets to a good ballgame, through the backdoor. We surely appreciate his forgetfulness. K.R.]

May 7 marks just six short months before the mid-term elections and our best opportunity to change direction in America. To build a solid foundation for the home stretch, the DSCC has set a goal to raise $150,000 before this date. If you are committed to electing a Democratic Senate, help put us over the top by making a contribution today.

Click here to make a secure online contribution of $50, $75, or more. There are just six months before Election Day. We need your help before May 7.

George Bush says he makes decisions based on his instincts. Too many times, we've seen that his instincts just aren't good enough. The facts bear witness to 5 years of failed leadership.

[Hey! Our prezdent has GREAT instincts! Didn't he just win an election based on peoples' gut fear of gays getting married?]

In Iraq, a dictator is gone, and that's a good thing. But we may be on the verge of trading him for chaos and a haven for terror. Osama bin Laden remains at large, despite tough rhetoric from the White House. The failed response to Hurricane Katrina - a natural disaster we knew was coming - raises serious concerns over how we would deal with another surprise terrorist attack.

[If Saddam being gone is a good thing, then the chaos is worth it. Stay the course! It'll go away! First he says it's a good thing then he says but it's bad because of the chaos. Just like George said about Kerry in 2004, one of our best lines: coming down squarely on all sides of the Iraq war!]

The hardest fact of all is this: we do not have a strategy to protect America, or leadership in Washington that can put us back on track.

[The hell we don't! Go on the offense! All the time! Nuke Iran!]

Democrats have a plan for real security that focuses on two overriding and connected challenges. We must win the struggle between freedom and radical fundamentalism, and we must keep the world's most dangerous weapons away from its most dangerous people. But we can't succeed in either of those tasks when Republicans in Washington are solely focused on exercising our military might and marginalizing diplomacy.

[They hate us for our freedom, that's right! You can't DO diplomacy with people like that! Dangerous weapons, that's right! "Can't succeed in either of those tasks when Republicans in Washington are solely focused blah blah?" Oh man if I couldn't message better than this I would've lost my job years ago.]

The only way to protect our country is to change the balance of power in Washington. And the best way you can help do just that is to support the DSCC's campaign today. The DSCC is the only organization in Washington solely committed to electing a Democratic Senate that will hold this administration accountable and put an end to its failed agenda.

[Biden hold us accountable? That makes me feel pretty safe, he didn't even raise hell after the Valerie Plame thing, a genuine covert operative on WMD. None of them did, really, make folks understand how bad what I did was. That was close, WHEW!...guess I won't be going to jail after all.]

Click here to make a secure online contribution of $50, $75, or more. There are just six months before Election Day. We need your help before May 7.

The American people are starting to see the administration's policies of military preemption and stubborn ideology are not making us more secure. Only a Democratic Senate can put a stop to these failed strategies.

[Ideology; you want to see ideology? Look at Al Qaeda, they want to cover women from head to toe! Anyway who cares? This guy is talking way over Joe Sixpack's head...]

For too long George Bush has lead solely through the example of our power. It's time to start also leading through the power of our example. With your help today, we can bring change to Washington in November and put our great nation back on the right track.


Joe Biden

[Hmm, "power of our example," not bad for Joe, though the only example I see from him is preening and puffing for the cameras like a pompous asshole every chance he gets. We got footage of George CUTTING BRUSH and shooting small animals like a REAL MAN! THAT'S an example! I was hoping for a challenge, this is taking candy from a baby.

Wrap-up, no slammers on how we managed to let bin Laden get away, when we had him trapped and the guys were begging us for ground troops, or for pissing away everything in Iraq, or for making ragheads around the world fucking hate us. For bombing the hell out of whole families just to kill a couple of insurgents in Iraq, what the fuck? Is this a war or isn't it? He doesn't even mention a plan for getting out of Iraq so we can throw everything into getting that bastard bin Laden in Pakistan, or wherever the hell he is, which is what I would do to get this war over with, except the boss says keep it going. Says he likes the dress-up in combat gear part.

No slam even on why we don't do shit about security unless it gets us more power to fuck with people, like with back-door wiretaps.

If our sons-of-bitch governments in Saudi and those dirt holes ever caught wind of us really wanting to do democracy, we'd be screwed. THAT IS THE FUNNIEST PART FOR ME! The dipshits don't even see that if we wanted to do democracy, we'd have started with them!

Hey, I cannot help that I have these gifts that I have, to know the depths of people's stupidity and fear. I am Karl Rove. I am one fat boy who can fuck you up, and God help you if I remember you were one of the ones calling me fat boy. OK boys, take notes, here's your first attack ad:

"Even Democrats like Joe Biden know that the war on terror is a struggle for our way of life, between "freedom and radical fundamentalism." In our fight against terror, Biden says the removal of Saddam was a "good thing." Now Democrats are asking you to trust them with protecting America..."]

Related links:

"Attacking Republicans on National Security," Polis

A New Contract for America; Fight Al Qaeda, Not Iraq Polis

Fighting Democrat candidate Jeff Lattas (AZ)
"We should have never invaded Iraq based on the false and misleading evidence that Iraq was an immediate threat to our country. While I was assigned to the Pentagon (1994-1998), before the weapon inspectors were expelled from Iraq, I had extremely high level access to intelligence on Iraqi weapons of mass destruction..."

Fighting Democrat candidate Jim Brandt (CA)
"The greatest potential harm that has been done to America has been the creation of a "Homeland security" apparatus that sucks up tax money while forcing every American to live in a state of quasi-official suspicion, and yet has done little to protect us from the realities of terrorism in the 21st century..."

Fighting Democrat candidate Tom Kovach (PA)
"Here is our clear plan for Iraq:
Step 1: Begin an immediate withdrawal of troops in Iraq. If half of the Iraqis approves of violence against U.S. troops, the other half has become dependent on them. An Iraqi democracy will never grow out of a foreign occupation, and the Iraqi government has already asked our troops to leave.
Step 2: All U.S. troops will now have well-defined and well-planned missions, and will be redeployed when these are complete.
Step 3: Immediately spend all reconstruction funds in Iraq as a gesture of goodwill toward the Iraqis. Much of the resentment from the Iraqi people comes from the money going to U.S. contractors and not local Iraqi communities.
Step 4: End the construction of permanent military bases in Iraq. This will show to the Iraqis that we do not intend to have a permanent occupation.
Step 5: Continue to provide humanitarian assistance by protecting non-governmental organizations (NGOs) through U.N. troops.
Step 6: Work through the United Nations to reach an appropriate consensus with the international and Muslim communities on how to best help Iraq.
Step 7: Create U.N. Resolutions allowing for peacekeepers in a well-defined peacekeeping mission whenever the Iraq civil war ends.

More great Fighting Democrat candidates, look up your state and HELP!


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